Jim Mahoney's Blog - Sacred to Etc.

My favorite Holiday? - November 26, 2021

 

Two days down - two days to go - and Thanksgiving weekend is finished. To this point, I had a rather wonderful two days. I'm not looking for trouble, but if the Thanksgiving week ended right now, I would be happy.  It has always been my favorite holiday. Much more than Christmas or Easter. Now before you reach for your pitchforks to burn me at the stake for such an obvious religious heresy and sign of atheistic indifference - first, get a life - and ask yourself why I might not like Christmas or Easter. It has everything to do with the practical life of a busy parish priest. Any priest worth his salt is going to be exhausted after Christmas or Easter. The crowds are large. The pace is brutal. So many things can go on. It is anything other than relaxed - and if there is always one individual (usually difference ones over the years) - who present problems and discomfort, and goodness knows what else.

My favorite holiday (in a negative way) was the Christmas celebration during one of the Christmas Eve Masses when a guy stormed out of church and came out to where I was standing in the atrium.  Then he said the following to me in a tone that was less than joyful and also less than soft, "I come once a year to Mass and I can't even get a seat." He had absolutely no idea how crazy he sounded. I said softly to him, "Merry Christmas" and walked away from him. Never saw him again. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy.

In the past several two weeks, I've had a few things happen that were profoundly happy. I'm not sharing them with you because I'm an only child and not good at sharing! But suffice to say that these things brought a huge smile to me - and the events bringing smiles continued through today. If more events occur on Saturday and Sunday, I won't object.

I'm praying with lots of gratitude today. I'm always praying that I do not forget to express my gratitude to God - which sometimes I do, to my dismay. I pray every single day for each of you - and once in a while I forget to pray for me - which is part of gratitude so I have to get better at it. But, right now, for this moment, I'm grateful. I'm happy. I'm mellow. 

I'll take it.

(personal note: One thing that causes me to lose my state of being mellow is when someone comes up to me or contacts me and just shares how upset they are at so and so in the church who has said something or done something or not said something or not done something os is not responding to an issue the way that they feel it should be done. If someone unloads on me about some other person in the Church, I no longer will feel responsible to answer them.  As of this moment in time, I hereby decide that I am no longer answering or even commenting on such topics. The Church is composed of 1,200,000,000 members. None of us can be responsible for what 1.2 billion people in the church are capable of doing. This might be self-evident, but my inadequate approach to such things has given me far more stress than you might imagine. So - I ain't going to play the person's game. I am responsible for myself. If you have a problem with someone else, then go seek out that person in the group of 1,200,000,000 who comprise the Church. I am just not going to let people get me down who brings up things about other people - that I have nothing to do with. I cannot tell you the number of people who come up to me and just unload about others and question me - i.e., how can the Church allow this, how can this happen, and so many other things. And then they walk away - and just leave me with this new fresh delivery of stress in my life.  

Now this might seem petulant, but I prefer to call it healthy. The more than I type these words, the better I feel. I am retired. I have now ended allowing other people the ability to make me tense. I wish I had thought of this decades ago. I never felt that I had the right to make other people feel tense. It does not have to be that way. This is not a perfect solution to a problem that is other quite complicated. But it is a practical way get my life on a smoother path. I feel good about it. My doctors tell me that I have to address stress in my life. Well, here is one way that I'm trying to be healthy. I had unrelenting stress for 48 years. Enough!)

 

  

Too tired - Time to Reflect on Something Nurturing - November 19, 2012

During this past week, in addition to some meetings at the parish, I watched a decent (indecent?) amount of television. I was riveted by the coverage of the two ongoing trials. Frankly, I had some conflicting emotions. But this is our system of justice. I was really gripped by the subjects that came up during the trials. Race, violence, vigilante justice, self-defense, and so many other things. It was exhausting to end the day still watching the coverage of the trials.

While watching the trials, I was trying to come up with a focus for this week's post. I finally came up with something that I have been thinking about - and will be the first to admit it is not the most spiritual choice or even the most interesting choice i could come up with. I'm not going to act on this quest, but first I had to go through a short process to figure out what would be best for me. I'm only sharing this with you because I have now definitively unequivocally unalterably have come to a conclusion which would be the answer to this question: Should I get a pet? 

NO. no. no. I need to convince myself that this is the right answer. Now back to a regular size font!

I put my best analytical skills on this question. After an entire half hour of proper reflection and research, I came up with the realistic intelligent answer: I don't need a pet. It is that simple. If I want to see a golden retriever running around or doing tricks, this is why God made You Tube videos of golden retrievers. You do not have to take You Tube out, to the vet, you don't have to feed You Tube. There is no compelling reason why I should get a pet. I am at peace with this life-protecting decision. I truly do not need a pet. The "cons" far outweigh the "pros."

In this process, I spent a good half hour in seeking out the reasons to get a pet or not get a pet.  I checked out every breed of dog that was smaller than a golden retriever. Amazing that a Great Dane was highly recommended for a pet - but the author did note that this breed was a bit large - and they slobbered. Realizing I did not want a slobbering dog removed a number of breeds from my life. I also did not want dog that did a lot of barking - that is not considerate of my neighbors. I also did not want a dog that shed a lot of hair. So strike those breeds off.

I then moved dogs off my life and considered cats. Cats certainly did not bark. They often shed. They are delightfully annoyingly independent. I feel that a cat would not carry on a coherent conversation with me. So strike out cats.

I then considered getting a fish. Sadly, I thought of the time in my life when I was convinced that I want to have a few fish.I had ten fish. Gradually, over the course of a few weeks, each fish chose to go home to God - I found them, one by one, floating on the top of the water. Strike out that breed. I have too many problems with abandonment.

Time to look at birds. My conclusions about birds is that they are noisy filthy feathered creatures, especially parrots. Strike out birds.

My choices were rapidly narrowing. I found a site on the web that mentioned some types of small pets: snakes, bugs, reptiles, ferrets, and other frightening questions.

Well, I get it my best shot. I considered the possibility - looked at my own patterns of life - and finally came up with a decision that gave me some peace. NO PETS.

If I come across someone walking a golden retriever, and, if given permission, I will happily pet the golden. I will always remember my two goldens, Marsi and Deedee. They brought me so much happiness. They were truly angels with four paws.

Are You Arrogant? I hope not! I hope I'm not! - Revised edition of November 12, 2021 post - November 13, 2021

(note from Jim: I have been a little unsettled over the draft of the post I wrote in yesterday's blog. Nothing that I wrote was untrue. Nothing was something where I did not say what I thought. Yet I was still unsettled as of late this afternoon. So I practiced my meditation again, considered each word that I wrote, changed some phrases, added some nuances, and, in several cases, made what I had written even stronger. It is a great feature to use the delete button and make ample use of editorial rewrites.)

Over the years, I have sprinkled in some thoughts about arrogance into this blog. While it may not make the history books, I do consider arrogance to be one of the causes of bad things happening in the religious world, the political world, and every other kind of world that there is. When there have been bad problems in the Church, you can hear me muttering (if you can read my mind) - the word Arrogant - over and over. I might under my breath simply also mutter an arrogant unsavory word about a subject of my ire. The church of my ancestor's origins was a Church often following the clerical practice of arrogance. The Church in the US  seems at times to make many of the same mistakes made in the Irish church, but hopefully we are getting better.

This also happens in priests from other countries than Ireland and the US. Lately, I have heard more cases about younger priests lacking the smallest smidgen of pastoral sensitivity. They are right - and the people must listen to them. Where is the care of souls? Where is the concern that Jesus showed to the wayward sheep who had wandered. I see the seeds of this in priests who may come from countries in addition to Ireland and the United States. These younger priests generally believe that the people in the parish are there to listen to them, to serve them - and have no possible understanding that their arrogance drives people away. It is an ugly thing. 

I believe that, as priests, we are given a special responsibility to take care of our people - to treat them with care - and to look at them like Jesus looked at sinners - with compassion, with forgiveness, and with love. If a priest does not seem to care about such attitudes, he is doing harm and not doing good - what, may I ask, is he doing in the priesthood?

When some priests, (hopefully not a large number) arrive in a parish, they like to change things. Some are eager to change their parish and make it reflect the customs of their parish of origin.  I am really aghast at their ignorance of a very simple piece of data: The only new person in the parish may very well be the new priest. Everyone else is the same. Arrogance seems to be a fallback posithat many of these priests have. The new priest has not been part of the development of traditions, relationships, and memories. A priest who arrives in a parish, regardless or age or country of origin, and starts to change things is simply not a pastoral associate, but a pastoral menace. I heard of a parish where several staff members had this mantra: we keep nothing old - everything must be new. Slowly, the parish began to crumble. No surprise. What came across to the people was not excitement that things were "happening" - no, what people saw was arrogance. Great effective ministry is a continuous stream of new things, old things - and gradually the parish begins to grow. A parish is the composite of relationships - past and present. When you ignore the customs and traditions, you are ignoring the very heart of the parish. The ancient principle, Make haste slowly, was in these priests' training, but they forgot.

 

 

I could go on and on because I can just see the mental soapbox being wheeled out for me to stand on - a bad sign. But it is an even worse sign to ignore the past and the traditions and just make everything different. When new priests arrive, whether as pastors or parochial vicars, they are told not to change anything for the first year - except for reasons of law or safety. The ones that follow this caution care about their people. The ones who do not follow this caution care about themselves. Strong words? Harsh words? Parish ministry is both art and science. Parishes flourish when their parish priests care enough about their people to make haste slowly, to respect the past, and bring people gingerly into the future. It is not that hard to do.

Remember this - violating this caution of taking time to change things and to assess things together with your people - comes across to the people simply as arrogance. Not a good thing.

I could go on and on - but I do not want to have my blood pressure monitor explode if I continue on this subject. Remember the tortoise and the hare. We have far too many priests who think that there are the hares, when in reality, they will end up losing the race. 

This is the principle to follow: slow is fast - fast is slow. It really works. Here is a Jim principle: if you think you know everything, you are wildly mistaken. Listen to your people. They have to listen to us - so we must return the favor!

To make this topic even more pertinent, - these "throw caution to the winds" approaches also happen in politics and many other areas of life. The Church is not the only sinner in this regard.

God love them all.

There are compelling reasons why Navy Seals follow these principles. They work.

Interesting - I removed far less from my first draft than I would have imagined. So, that is good, I guess.

In no way am I against using traditions from various ethnic groups. This can be a welcome variety into parish life. I was pleasantly surprised at my former parish how much people enjoyed some of the traditions from other groups, i.e., Oplakti wafers - and I know that they would have welcomed parish events which highlighted food from many different groups.  I'm open to every type of cultural addition - but please do not ask me to eat a Codfish taco. 

We're all in this together. We have so much to learn form each other. Arrogance helps no one's learning. 

If you observe a priest who is arrogant, just try to forgive him, even try to help him. As we all know, the problem is when the priest will not listen to anyone. 

I'll touch on this topic a few more times over this year. Our people deserve sensitive pastoral care. Can a priest read the words of Jesus about the lost sheep - and not think that this applies to his parish as well?

This is all I have to propose tonight. Going to sleep early. Sigh. 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

 

 

 

Even I need a break from political news! - November 5, 2021

On the one hand, I enjoyed the chance this past week to watch many of the election returns during these past few days. But on the other hand, I come to Friday of this week just exhausted. It took a couple of days to figure out what had happened politically this week. It seemed quite hard to understand that New Jersey, usually blue state, might be turning a little red. Governor Murphy was supposed to win easily according to early polls. That did not happen. He squeaked through, however there may be recounts. Who knows what will happen. I don't.

As a faithful student of politics in the Garden State, I was stunned by the fact that Senator Sweeney, the leader of the NJ State Senate, was defeated by a person who spent less than $200 to win this particular political prize. This story should have received much more attention in the press. Once again, they did not consult me. I think this is really big news. (OOPS: Just read today's New York Times - They had an article about Senator Sweeney on page one, above the fold. Interesting that such a major story was not given more prominent attention earlier than three days after the election.)

As a faithful observer of the rest of the nation, I was intrigued by the fact that, after tough election, the incoming governor and the outgoing governor of Virginia appeared together and exchanged best wishes for the future. It shows that some people still do have class in politics. We have given too much attention to those who don't. Both of these politicians showed class and maturity. You could use these as examples for good civics lessons. Thomas Jefferson had it right:

 

 

A governor, a president, heck, even a priest or a pastor, is not a king of emperor. He is a servant, a public servant.

During my prayers today, I did pray hard for political leaders and church leaders. So much is being nastily politicized. This is a disgrace. Why do we even pretend that this is right.

I was fortunate to have time today to watch the funeral of General Colin Powell. How blessed we were to have this good man involved in our government. Very few negative voices have been raised in the last week denigrating Colin Powell. How refreshing.

Lots of topics and themes are circulating, or clanging, in my mind.  Stated to focus on next week's post. I hope that it will be helpful. Already research that has been helped to me - so hope it will be helpful to you.

 

 

 

Some Personal Priorities Starting to Emerge - thank goodness - October 29, 2012

The simple command of Jesus to love your neighbor as yourself is one of the most deceptively simple thing in the Scriptures. I think that many people have been troubled by this command. It seems reasonable to love God - and to love our neighbor. But then, the third part of the phrase: love yourself - well, easier said than done. This connects to what a psychiatrist mentioned to me decades ago. "For some people, to ask them to love their neighbor as they love themselves - is an awful thing to do to their neighbor."

It seems that, somehow, in the paths of many people's lives, they were taught/told that they should not love themselves. That would be selfish. That would be self-centered. And the most destructive feeling of all, you're not really worth it. An awful lot of people have a very low self image - that is really deep-seated. This shows up in all sorts of ways - relationships, ways we treat others, and a veritable plethora of other situations (I always try to use the phrase "veritable plethora" at least once a year. I can now cross that off my to-do list!)

Continually doubting oneself, making fun of oneself, just not accepting that a person might have value - all these and many more become part of the backpack of stuff carried by those who do not have a strong sense of self. I always remember the poster in the 1960's which was meant to raise people's self-image.  It featured a kid from an economically poor neighborhood who just made one statement, "I must be good because don't make junk!")

Gradually trying to change your self-image can be a really tough challenge. It can happen to people who compensate for their low self-image by being people-pleasers - always afraid to say no. It is so hard to switch when you have had to listen for decades to those claiming that you were never good enough - or even just good. (small confession: I've always struggled with a poor self-image, never felt that I had my act together.

This became a clear problem as I have gotten more into my retirement. It was very difficult  - and still is -figuring out a balance in my retirement. What requests do I say Yes to = what do I say No to? I have seen over time that I have to have some consistent guidelines - what do I say Yes to - what do I say No to? Do I have an obligation to do things that I would have agreed to do before I was retired?  I slowly have become a little more comfortable in saying No - not because I want to - but because I have to. (It was a very ego-deflating thing in some situations where I really struggled and finally said No - then i discovered that the people to whom I said No were more than able to get on with their lives and through a particular situation. These little snippets of self-knowledge do pop out more during retirement - a good thing.

I'm being self-aware when I just do not accept commitments that involve a lot of driving, especially at night. I have noticed that few couples who are kind enough to want me to witness their vows actually have as the first question in their planning for their wedding: Will Jim be too wiped out to deal with a wedding more than a 20 minute drive from his apartment? I might be able to do some wedding if someone else drives - but I have found that I am still wiped out in terms of energy, stress, etc. regardless of whether i drove or was driving. Saying NO has become part of self-care that I never used to be concerned about. SIgh.

All of this verbal meandering is about issues that I never paid any attention to over the decades. But, if I want to last a decent number of years, I have to take care of myself. Self-care is how I respond to Jesus' command to love God, neighbor, and self. I spent a lifetime not doing one of those three things - now I must make up for lost time.