"Most people do not listen with the intention to understand. They listen with the intent to reply." These words of Stephen Covey are among the most insightful that he has ever written. Obviously, one of the greatest problems in relationships is communication.
Let me share something that I'm good at - and something that I'm not good at.
I'm good at this: My analytical skills are good. I'm pretty good at recognizing people who do not communicate effectively, usually in their relationships. It is not that hard to know that some people just do not really want to listen. Listening to another person requires the self-discipline to shut up, to wait until the other person is finished speaking, and finally to respond based on what they have said. That is not an easy thing to do. But I have seen it happen especially in two arenas of life: marriages and families - work situations. In marriages and families, I have seen so many people, spouses, parents, older children, lots of folks just spend their time with each other not listening, just talking, and dare I use this phrase - just going, Blah, Blah, Blah. This approach is contagious. It build up patterns in other members of the family- and finally, there is no one listening in the whole blasted family. I have sadly seen this happen in so many homes. It is destructive. It causes a toxic environment. It really affects everyone.
In work situations, I have seen the same dynamics go on - no one listens, no one waits to understand - people pause only so they can catch their breath and start talking again. Blah, blah, blah. Some people involved were never taught or convinced or shown how to communicate with others. There is a special point here which is a spiritual one - and incredibly so during Lent. I believe that taking enough time to shut up (excuse the lack of a religious phrase) and start listening is a spiritual act - or not. It is really sad to watch, especially because the ripple effect is so powerful and self-perpetuating. The home is the domestic church - meant to be a place of grace. The place where you work or interact is also meant to be a place to act with honor, to follow the highest possible principles - and to respect the dignity of work and the dignity of people. But if no one is listening to anyone else, does anyone seriously suggest that God is happy with this? I doubt it.
I'm not good at doing this: Taking the time to really listen to the other person, figure out what they're saying, and more importantly, what they mean - and then, and only then - responding. Decades ago, I realized that something was awry in my life. I could get through things with sheer determination, but everything seemed too much of an effort. I finally had a sensible thought and took the four-day workshop on Stephen Covey's Seven Habits for Highly Effective People. Best thing I ever did. I took at least six of the Covey workshops over the years. I learned and learned and learned - often about myself too. I used the 360 degree evaluation tool at the parish where the staff filled out confidential surveys on my style. I learned many things about myself which were embarrassing - particularly when it was totally different than my own perception of what I did - and what I was like. But, oh, was it a valuable experience. We can even learn from To Kill a Mockingbird!
You don't have to take a ton of workshops and read a lot of books to accomplish these things. But you do have to look at things from the other person's point of view. If we remember to do it, it is not that hard. But it does take effort.
Most of the mistakes we make are in our relationships. But it does not have to be this way. Jesus expressed this in the simplest of phrases, "Do unto others as I have done unto you." Imagine how we might be when the end of Lent rolls around - and we have spent these forty days considering everything from other people's point of view. It can change your life. Why not try try it. If you want a good guide book, then pick up the trailblazing best seller - Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Even though it "masquerades as a business and self-improvement text, it is profoundly spiritual and based upon the Sermon on the Mount.
If you feel discouraged by problems in your relationships, just remember - we are all sinners. We all foul up. This is not an incentive to continue on the same path, but rather to finally decide to go down a different path. I wish you the best on this journey. I've been on it many times.
