Jim Mahoney's Blog - Sacred to Etc.

Do You Listen to understand? Or are you waiting for the other person to just finish talking so you can speak? February 26, 2021

"Most people do not listen with the intention to understand. They listen with the intent to reply." These words of Stephen Covey are among the most insightful that he has ever written. Obviously, one of the greatest problems in relationships is communication.

Let me share something that I'm good at - and something that I'm not good at.

I'm good at this: My analytical skills are good. I'm pretty good at recognizing people who do not communicate effectively, usually in their relationships. It is not that hard to know that some people just do not really want to listen. Listening to another person requires the self-discipline to shut up, to wait until the other person is finished speaking, and finally to respond based on what they have said. That is not an easy thing to do.  But I have seen it happen especially in two arenas of life: marriages and families - work situations. In marriages and families, I have seen so many people, spouses, parents, older children, lots of folks just spend their time with each other not listening, just talking, and dare I use this phrase - just going, Blah, Blah, Blah. This approach is contagious. It build up patterns in other members of the family- and finally, there is no one listening in the whole blasted family. I have sadly seen this happen in so many homes. It is destructive. It causes a toxic environment. It really affects everyone.

In work situations, I have seen the same dynamics go on - no one listens, no one waits to understand - people pause only so they can catch their breath and start talking again. Blah, blah, blah. Some people involved were never taught or convinced or shown how to communicate with others. There is a special point here which is a spiritual one - and incredibly so during Lent. I believe that taking enough time to shut up (excuse the lack of a religious phrase) and start listening is a spiritual act - or not.  It is really sad to watch, especially because the ripple effect is so powerful and self-perpetuating. The home is the domestic church - meant to be a place of grace. The place where you work or interact is also meant to be a place to act with honor, to follow the highest possible principles - and to respect the dignity of work and the dignity of people. But if no one is listening to anyone else, does anyone seriously suggest that God is happy with this? I doubt it.  

I'm not good at doing this: Taking the time to really listen to the other person, figure out what they're saying, and more importantly, what they mean - and then, and only then - responding. Decades ago, I realized that something was awry in my life. I could get through things with sheer determination, but everything seemed too much of an effort.  I finally had a sensible thought and took the four-day workshop on Stephen Covey's Seven Habits for Highly Effective People. Best thing I ever did. I took at least six of the Covey workshops over the years. I learned and learned and learned - often about myself too. I used the 360 degree evaluation tool at the parish where the staff filled out confidential surveys on my style. I learned many things about myself which were embarrassing - particularly when it was totally different than my own perception of what I did - and what I was like. But, oh, was it a valuable experience. We can even learn from To Kill a Mockingbird!

  

You don't have to take a ton of workshops and read a lot of books to accomplish these things. But you do have to look at things from the other person's point of view. If we remember to do it, it is not that hard. But it does take effort.

Most of the mistakes we make are in our relationships. But it does not have to be this way. Jesus expressed this in the simplest of phrases, "Do unto others as I have done unto you." Imagine how we might be when the end of Lent rolls around - and we have spent these forty days considering everything from other people's point of view. It can change your life. Why not try try it. If you want a good guide book, then pick up the trailblazing best seller - Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Even though it "masquerades as a business and self-improvement text, it is profoundly spiritual and based upon the Sermon on the Mount.

If you feel discouraged by problems in your relationships, just remember - we are all sinners. We all foul up. This is not an incentive to continue on the same path, but rather to finally decide to go down a different path. I wish you the best on this journey. I've been on it many times.

 

Don't Give Up Things for Lent - Do something better! - February 19, 2021

I was moving rapidly among spiritual sites on the internet and noticed a similar message which I had never seen before - and it made sense. The vast majority of sites, mostly Catholic, were suggesting that people not give up things for Lent - since we have given up so much already during the pandemic. A number of the sites focused on taking on the obligation of greater kindness as a more worthwhile Lenten activity than the things that we traditionally "give up" - i.e., dessert, television, alcohol, etc. When I shamefacedly (always wanted to use that word in a sentence, and until this second, had never done so!) thought about silly things I had done for Lent, this suggestion to take on the obligation of greater kindness made incredible sense to me. I actually gave up apricots for Lent - and I never ate apricots.

I must admit that I never understood the value of not eating Meat as a spiritual practice when the person who gave up meat really liked fish. Not a big deal. Not earth shaking. But you get my point. I can come up with a spiritual rationale for not eating meat on the Fridays of Lent. It was just never explained very well. 

Let me explore using the suggestion of "greater kindness" and why it appealed to me.

On more than a few occasions, I have watched with some bemusement when I have seen externally religious people really trash other people. Although I never said anything, I wondered at the inconsistency, even the great inconsistency between the spiritual external practices and what was obviously going on inside the person. 

As I get older, I notice that I place far more emphasis upon the virtue of kindness than I do many other things that people do. So many problems in relationships, in work situations, in family conflict, etc. would be different if we were determined to be kind. It also seems to be one of the characteristics that Jesus showed - excessively and even joyfully. I think about public figures, even political figures, who lived their public lives wanting to destroy those who differed from them. I found those people more and more jarring over time.

 

I remember a time in the seminary when the law of the Church (Canon Law) was changing and the professors did not have much to teach in the course on Canon Law. This particular professor said that we should  concentrate on following two principles in canon law: the first - Be Kind; the second - "Never trust anyone, not even your mother because they lie, they lie, and they lie." I came to understand both principles: be kind as an essential way to relate with people; never trust anyone was simply a determination to get to the truth and realize that many people may not, in fact, give the whole truth. You can quibble all you want with the second principle, but I think you get the point: be kind, and everything else will follow. 

I do try to be kind. But sometimes I fail - and I usually try to make some type of amends. I'm not perfect at it, but my hunch is that God is happy when I do try to be kind.  And it definitely feels better than not being kind.

Pope Francis gives us a way to fast that may be helpful to you:

 

Like it or not - Ready or not - Need it or not (and we need it) Lent begins within a week - February 12, 2021

Let's start at the very beginning. From ashes to Easter - First, the ashes must be made. Do you know where they come from? Ashes come from palm branches which are burned to make the ashes. Given the vagaries of our world, you can also obtain the ashes from Amazon for the thoughtful price of $14.88 for enough ashes to be used for 500 people. They arrive thoughtfully sealed in a plastic bag! On a possible rating of up to 5 stars, the ashes received 4.2 stars for 19 customers.  To get ashes from Amazon instead of having a special event in the parish to burn the ashes does seem a little crass. Since it's Lent, a confession: During the time I was pastor, there were a couple of times when no one thought to save the palms of the previous year to burn for the present Ash Wednesday. I panicked the first time - and then thought of Amazon. So I was crass and I used it. There are also a number of religious supply companies which also include ash in their catalogs.

 

News flash - ashes are dirty. I was startled to realize this the first time that I helped to distribute ashes. It should now have been the most startling realization, but I had never thought of it before.

Time to focus on Lent:  I really like the quotation at the top of this post: Let today be the day you give up who you've been for who you can become. (I just noticed that the graphic has two words out of order - in this paragraph is the correct order. Let's see if anyone notices!) What a great way to describe the journey we're invited to take during Lent. We begin the forty days of Lent trying to shake off those things, those patterns, those faults, those omissions which we can all do. Lent is a needed change of direction in our lives. Phrases like "turn away from sin believe in the Gospel" are familiar to us, but worth considering once again in our lives - every single year.

Do you play games at Lent?  I certainly have in my life. I always remember making a Lenten resolution when I was in grade school of giving up different kinds of food. I piously made this as my Lenten resolution and then picked out a food that I did not like - as a food I would not eat during Lent. As I got older in life, I heard of other games played during Lent. I knew people who would not drink alcohol during Lent to prove to the family that they did not have a drinking problem. Other people would give up desserts during Lent to help them lose weight by Easter. And so many other things. It is possible that those types of resolutions, though interesting, may not have a lot to do with changing our live and making certain that we walked through life more closely with Jesus.  That is a much different proposition than giving up dessert.

If we look at our selves with unflinching candor, what do we need to change? What can we change? We have at least 40 days to develop some new, some better, habits. Forty days is a decent length of time, if repeated every day, to develop new habits. Why not during the Forty days of Lent?

Give to the poor. For God's sake, start forgiving those you have not forgotten - arguably one of the hardest things I have to do - and hopefully you're not like me! Pray - don't make it complicated.  A tremendous Lenten exercise would be to read Jim Martin's new book on prayer - which I wrote about in the last post.  Reading that book,a few pages at a time, would be a magnificent blessed thing to do during Lent. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Be kind to people. Don't be a bear to your family or co-workers. Don't judge. There are so many things we can do. Make it adult. Make it simple. The idea is that, by Easter, we are really better - not a bad goal to have - and to achieve. Go to Mass. Pray the rosary. Go to Confession. Pray for each other. I pray for all of you. Please pray for me. Pray for our most broken world that it might be healed.

(I'll write more blogs during Lent,  though not every day, but certainly every Friday.  I'll often just write little snippets that hopefully will be of some use to you.

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you did not forget to send me a Valentine card. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. Let your conscience be your guide!

 

 

 

 

 

I recommend this book highly- it is beyond good- and can help all of us - even curmudgeons! - February 5, 2021

(For a few times over many years, I have gone wildly enthusiastic in recommending a book to you. Today is one of those days.  The book on prayer is just that good, clear, helpful, and fun. I think that it can change lives.)

There are various books that are written about prayer. And then there are important books which are also easy to read and phenomenally helpful and down to earth. Learning to Pray - A Guide for Everyone by the Jesuit, James Martin.

(this paragraph added at 9 a.m. 2-7-2021) This is a rare book which can actually be appreciated by atheists, agnostics, people of different religions, people of deep faith, and all sorts of other people. I seldom go this strong on my recommendations about books, but there is something so compelling and helpful about what Jim Martin has written. In my gentle way of stating what I think, if you do not find something of value in this book, there is possibly something wrong with you. How's that for pastoral sensitivity? Sigh.)

This will not surprise you, but I often have difficulty or problems with a lot of books on religion and prayer. My difficulty is not with the general topics which are important and necessary. My problem is that they make things too complicated, too other-worldly, and just not connected with people's lives. Jim Martin is in a totally different category. He knows how to write. He writes clearly. He does not fill pages with jargon. He is funny. He is interesting. His approach to topics is based on the questions and concerns that real people actually have.

You do not have to be filled with years of Jesuit education or theology to enjoy this book. You don't have to be someone who consciously spends all day praying.   A few years ago, Jim wrote a book called The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything - A Spirituality for Real Life.  It was practical, helpful, and for real people. This new book on prayer is in that same style.

In the opening pages of the book, Jim addresses the reasons why people don't pray. He deals with realism - people felt they were not taught how to pray, prayer is for "holy" people, not them; some people are turned off by religion and thus turned off by prayer, some people don't see the point, some are too busy, some are too lazy, and some people fear change.  HIs approach is comprehensive but not encyclopedic. He addresses so many different angles about prayer without making it seem like just long lists of what prayer might be.

I wish the copyright laws would make it possible to just give you a few pages from the book, but that would not be appropriate. I don't know one adult whom I talk with who would not benefit and like this book.   This is true - and I do know more than a few people who are curmudgeons, people who are not easily convinced about anything, and even people who do not root for the Chicago Cubs. People from all these groups would like this book.  People who like Tampa in the Super Bowl will like this book. As will people from Kansas City!

The simplest understandings of prayer - opening our minds and hearts to God - prayer is part of our relationship with God - praying is how we stay close to God. Not terribly difficult, but oh, we make things complicated.

Jim shows us how to pray, how to learn, how to be open, and how not to give up. He also allows us to be (brace yourself) human - and even to make mistakes and not to be perfect and sometimes to feel, at times spectacularly. 

This book is so helpful on prayer that I wish I could just buy a copy for each person that I know - and then stand over them while they read the entire book. First of all, I know too many people and I'm an elderly retired priest - so can't do it. But I would like to. This book is just that good. 

Do you feel God listens to you? Do you feel God does not listen to you? Do you feel God is not interested in you? Angry at you?  And so many other things we can all conjure up. Trust me - God does care about us. Let Jim (Martin, not Mahoney) help you be convinced.

The book is available online on all the usual sites, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc. It sells for $27.99, hard-cover, 386 pages.

It was published yesterday. My copy arrived last night. I devoured it and could not put it down until I finished it. Here is possible photo of me after reading the entire book. I did not go to sleep until I had finished it! In truth, I have found that I keep remembering great ideas in the time since I finished this book.

It is #1 on Amazon's list of Self-Help for Catholics, an odd category - but it will sell and sell and sell - and help and help and help.

Pray Well - and Enjoy. 

   

Bah - Today is Groundhog Day - February 2, 2021

Imagine the power we have given over to the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.  This is the day when that dirty little heribore will decide if we will have six more weeks of winter.  Well, the little fellow came out of his hold, did not see his shadow, and made certain we would have six more weeks of winter. For those who did not know this important pit of information, the full name of this disgusting little creature is actually The groundhog's full name is actually Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators and Weather-Prophet Extraordinary." I prefer to simply call the little groundhog that stupid groundhog.

Why don't I like the little guy? Simple. We have given him far too much control over our lives. Would it have killed him to decide we could not have any more winter? I am sick of winter. I used to like winter and considered it my favorite season. I have fallen too many times on snow and ice. I have had too many injuries. I know other people who have been waylaid by snow and ice. I blame Punxsutawney Phil. Why not? It makes just as many other things in our world in the past year or so.

Other than showing the characteristics of a petulant toddler, is there any possible purpose to this post? Well, just one, really.  How do we deal with things when we have no control - which is so many things in our lives lately. Do you bemoan your situation immediately? I usually do. And then, often, but not always, I come down to this thought, "Ok, God, what do I do now?" and I begin a process of deciding and, more other than not, I pray.

I don't do this always.  The winter storm this week was an example when I did not pray about this at all and just bemoaned my fate. Some things were really all fouled up in my schedule. For reason, I ended up with a number of things which had to be done - and could not do many of them.

Eventually, I come to my sense, but not always. After being petulant and self-centered, I did start to think of the people who were not as fortunate as I was during this storm. Sadly, I prayed for these people well after I was pitying myself, but I snapped out of it.

So Punxsutawney Phil, I don't like you. You look like a little rodent. I don't like winter. But I used to enjoy winter and had many wonderful times with wonderful friends - so a little gratitude would not hurt at all.

I don't know if you're like me - but I like to be in control. Surprise, surprise.  Well, who doesn't? God help us all.

Instead of the disgusting groundhog, why don't we have a Golden Retriever day- it might make all of us smile!